Hello,
Having a baby is a big decision. Before you choose to have a child, you should think carefully about whether it is a good time in your life to begin taking care of a baby, which is an "around-the-clock" job. You and your girlfriend will also have to decide who will be the birth mother (the woman who will try to become pregnant). Also, be aware that although you clearly want to conceive quickly, it can often take many months or years to become pregnant.
Whoever will be the birth mother should have a health check-up with a primary care provider or obstetrician/gynecologist. She should also start taking a multivitamin that includes folic acid, which is a vital nutrient for the development of a fetus.
The next step is to try to become pregnant through insemination by donated sperm. There are two basic options for acquiring donated sperm:
1. A known donor This is when you choose someone you know and trust (e.g., a friend, or a relative of the birth mother's partner) who is willing to donate his sperm. Prior to donating, the potential donor should be tested for infectious diseases, including an HIV test and other STD tests. Beyond that, it is very important that you discuss with the donor what his parental rights will be. Known donors can have a wide variety of relationships with a child, ranging from just being known as the donor, to having intermittent visits, to having co-parent status. Relationships between the donor, the woman being inseminated, and her partner can be complicated because the donor is the legal "father" until he surrenders his rights at adoption. You may wish to write-up an agreement, using a lawyer or other third party to minimize risk of legal complications in the future.
2. An anonymous donor from a sperm bank-- A sperm bank provides frozen donated sperm for a fee. You can find sperm banks through a referral from your primary care provider, or by asking friends or researching the Internet. A sperm bank guarantees that all donations have been tested for disease. You usually have the option to read basic information about the anonymous donors, such as race, religion, eye and skin color, before choosing your donor. Some donors also provide permission for the child to contact him after the age of 18. Using a sperm bank can be expensive, especially if it takes several tries before conceiving and carrying the baby to term.
Insemination can be done by a physician, or by oneself at home with instructions on how and when to inseminate. It can take several attempts before successfully conceiving a baby, and some women are never able to conceive. You may want to consult a reproductive counselor to help you understand your options and help you avoid pitfalls.
Another option is to adopt a child. Adopting a child is a wonderful option, but it is expensive and can take a long time. In addition, only a few US adoption agencies permit gay or lesbian couples to adopt a child together; and even when an agency is willing to work with a couple, state laws often prohibit such couples from adopting except as single people. Therefore, sometimes you need to choose which one of the partners will adopt the child, and recognize that the rights of the other parent will be limited as a result. On the other hand, gay and lesbian couples are permitted to become foster parents in every state in the nation. However, it is only sometimes an option to eventually adopt a foster child.
For resources and web links on parenting, insemination, sperm banks, and adoption visit the LGBT parenting resources on Fenway Health's web site.
We wish you the best of luck,
Hilary Goldhammer, MS, and Jon Vincent, with Pat Raney, MD
